*** disclaimer Some strong opinions are expressed here, Please realize they are only my opinions and beliefs***
I would like to fumble through sharing my experience and hope anyone can find similar hope and healing through the savior. I have been married for Thirteen years to a Pornography addict. That is not something you raise your hand and say in Relief Society. I have mourned, cried, ached, hoped, loved, prayed, started, failed, tried again. Mostly in silence. I want to share my story. I know there are innumerable women sitting in Relief Society wanting to share her secret hurts. Wondering what is wrong with me?? How did this happen? How did I get myself here? This is not how I envisioned my life. IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU READ OR HEAR, HEAR THIS… It is not your FAULT. It has nothing to do with you. The problem started long before they ever met you. If you are nicer, more patient, sexier, cleaner, meaner, pray harder,keep the house quieter,force feed them self help, tattle to the bishop. It doesn’t work. I have tried it all. I HAVE TRIED IT ALL. I do not confess to know all the answers. I just want you to know, I know it hurts. I also know Heavenly Father knows it hurts. I believe in soul mates. I believe you were put together for a purpose. You are an amazing women that Heavenly Father trusted with this terrible load to bear.
These are the things that have helped me
1.Secure your own mask before assisting others. Before take off they tell you to help yourself before you worry about anyone else. Take care of yourself. Seek for the spirit in your life, so you can be prompted when to help. He may not be ready now but someday he will. Pray to strengthen your own faults. If you are working on yourself, I believe you will be humble. I say this from my own experience. I want to restate. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. My experience was I got bitter and prideful and a touch nasty. I was reading in the book of mormon and when christ comes he says several times. let there be no disputations among you. no contention. judge not. cast not out. It is several chapters later that it talks about sexual sin. IN MY OWN CASE, I believe I was also sinning. By judging, shaming, pride. In the last two or three years, I have slowly worked at humbling myself. Trying to realize my faults in our marriage. Notice I said marriage not his addiction. His addiction is his and I take no part in it. However, I have to take fifty percent of our marriage and be the best me.
2. Be careful who you talk to BUT talk to someone. pray about who you can tell. I believe every women needs a shoulder to cry on. I don’t think your family is always the best option. They are FIERCELY loyal to YOU. Years down the road you may heal and forgive. They won’t be there for the healing and forgiving and it may be hard for them to forgive. There are becoming more and more support groups for women with addict partners.. The church offers support groups just go to lds.org. PRAY TO FIND SUPPORT.
3. Cry let it out. Allow yourself to hurt and feel bad. I held it all in and the hurt turned to anger.
4. Realize pornography is a medication for a deeper hurt or issue.
5. If you are ready find help. There is so much help out there. Pray to be guided to what will work for you. We have tried the recovery anonymous twelve step program through the church. It is amazing. I believe it takes so much humility to walk through that door, so the spirit is is strong to reward you. We have decided to join life star. a program for sexual addictions. we are only in our third week. I am so excited WE are Healing. I would like to write more about my story and the thinks I am learning. So check back and I will write more or find a more acceptable venue. Just pray to find help that will work for you.
6. Set down the rock. ok ladies don’t stone your husband Ha ha. I had an experience that changed the way I thought about my husbands addiction. He is an amazing,talented, fun, funny, great dad, phenomenal provider. Well I had chosen one small aspect about him. His addiction. I compare his addiction to a rock. I picked it up and put it right up to my eye. I stared at that rock. I rubbed it every night before bed. I rubbed it when I cried. It became all I saw in him. I couldn’t look past the rock.. So set the rock down. Look at your spouse as a whole and FOCUS ON THE GOOD.
